


Don't make promises you can't keep

by Danae_krd



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Broken Promises, Chakotay says words of wisdom, Confessions, Episode: s03e26 Scorpion, Eventual Romance, F/M, Friendship/Love, I wrote this for therapeutic reasons, Insomnia, Kathryn wears the peach nightgown, Light Angst, Love Confessions, Promises, Trust, coffee and tea, oh oh oh the ANCIENT LEGEND and New Earth are mentioned, one WIP less
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-28
Updated: 2019-06-28
Packaged: 2020-05-28 11:42:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19393423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Danae_krd/pseuds/Danae_krd
Summary: Post-Scorpion fic. Kathryn is worried she won't be able to trust Chakotay again after everything that happened. A late talk in her quarters will change her mind.Based on the prompt "Don't make promises you can't keep" I found on pinterest 5 months ago....(Yeah, it took me 5 months to finish it.)





	Don't make promises you can't keep

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Grace317](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Grace317/gifts), [angrywarrior69](https://archiveofourown.org/users/angrywarrior69/gifts).



> This is for two of my favorite people in the world: Grace_in_the_Stars and angrywarrior69. Love you, guys!
> 
> Grace, thanks for the amazing Beta and your support! Sorry if my English malfunctioned much, d e a r i e.

The night seemed longer than usual for Kathryn. She couldn’t stop tossing and turning and she started to doubt that she’d get any sleep tonight.

Kathryn had completely healed from her injuries and the pain was gone for good. She was ready to return to full duty, but that didn’t seem enough to make her happy. She was not looking forward to the next day and she felt anxious when she wondered how the Alpha shift would go with her sitting next to Chakotay for eight hours. She knew that was probably the main reason she couldn’t find a comfortable position for her body in her bed. Two hours had already passed.

She was ready to get up. Staying in bed without being able to sleep, all alone with her thoughts, only made her feel worse and it seemed entirely pointless. She could spend the rest of the night gazing out of the windows of her quarters with a cup of coffee in her hands. That didn’t seem so bad and besides, it wouldn’t be the first or the last night it would be like this. The hours would eventually pass and she’d have to get ready for her shift. Of course she knew it wouldn’t do her any good if she stayed up, disobeying the Doctor’s orders. She was all right but, in her dismay, she knew that she still needed rest and she was also sure that she wouldn’t be able to get anymore sleep tonight.

Soon Kathryn replicated a coffee and stood in front of the viewport, in her usual stance, with her hand on her hip. Her face had an expression of gloom. She finally admitted to herself that she was mad at him. Yes, what she mainly felt at the moment toward her first officer was anger - and maybe a sense of betrayal by him. First officer. This characterization felt so insignificant to her. Damn, Chakotay meant much more to her than his rank. She knew it, he knew it. Kathryn considered him a close friend and maybe they could be more than friends if the circumstances were… different, even though they never really talked about it. Kathryn was too afraid to start this conversation and Chakotay was too kind to put her in a difficult position. Although, they both could understand that the situation would have been much better for them if she wasn’t his captain or engaged to another man. Kathryn sighed as she realized that things had changed so much in the past year. 

It was, mainly, because of New Earth. After all, they had spent two months, just the two of them, on that planet being closer than ever and neither of them seemed able to forget it. And how could they? Back then, it felt like they were the only people in the world. She and Chakotay never discussed the time they spent together, but in the rare moments one of the crewmembers would bring it up, Kathryn was able to see in his eyes the same longing and sadness she couldn’t stop feeling after Voyager rescued them – the exact same feelings about what they had once and lost.

Kathryn didn’t like promises. She never believed in them. She never understood how some people were able to promise eternal love or faith to someone else when life itself was so unpredictable. Chakotay obviously believed in promises and he probably thought he was able to keep them. His promises weren’t made only by his words, but also by his actions and the way he’d look at her and try to always take care of her. Kathryn had always been hesitant, but she deeply, wanted to believe that it could be different with him. She wanted to believe that he wouldn’t make any promises to her if he wasn’t entirely sure that he’d be able to keep them. She wanted to believe that his intentions were good and that he’d never want to disappoint or harm her in any way. She needed to believe it. 

Chakotay wasn’t obligated to obey her blindly, just because she was his captain and she knew it. Yes, he had every right to have a different opinion than her, but he hadn’t just expressed his disagreement when they had fought. Instead, he had chosen to take a different route, disobeying her orders when she had been badly injured in Sickbay and couldn’t even react. They had discussed it when she got better and he had apologized. So the issue was considered resolved – it should be considered resolved.

_-I want you to know that disobeying your orders was one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do._

_-…What's important is that in the end, we got through this, together. I don't ever want that to change._

Kathryn hadn’t lied to him. She never wanted that to change – she never wanted to lose him from her side, to lose her good friend, her ally and first officer. Her mission, their journey, would never be the same without him by her side – without him supporting, balancing and helping her to gain a new perspective when she’d lose hers.

His behaviour made her wonder if her decision to negotiate with the Borg was right after all. Probably things would have been entirely different if Tuvok was her first officer instead of Chakotay. Tuvok would believe in her and wouldn’t question her decisions unless he believed she was mentally unstable. But that wasn’t the occasion here, so there was no point for her to even think of such things.

Kathryn couldn’t help but wonder if Chakotay had reacted like this because of his past. He had spent many years of his life being a faithful Maquis after all, but she couldn’t really believe that their disagreement was some unsolved issue between Starfleet and Maquis. They had been on the same ship for 3 years, so that didn’t make any sense to her. She mostly believed it was his nature and personality. He knew better than her, that they couldn’t trust the Borg. He knew better than her, that an evil nature couldn’t be changed by diplomacy or good, even the best intentions. The tragic story with the scorpion made much more sense in her clear mind.

She realized that his promises, through the years, haunted her. The first time he made a promise was when they met Earhart and the 37’s. Back then, her crew had the chance to start a new life on that planet if they’d decide to stay there. Chakotay had told her that she wasn’t alone, promising that he would stay by her side no matter what; and he was honest. He didn’t leave her then.

The second time they were on New Earth. Their struggles there had brought them really close. Chakotay had shared that ancient legend with her and she had believed him, knowing that it was more than a legend, and it meant something important to him. She had really believed that he would always be by her side trying to make her life easier, her burden lighter. Mostly, Chakotay had made her believe that he really cared about her; that he had feelings for her.

If Kathryn wanted to be honest with herself, she had nothing to blame him for, until the day she decided she’d make an alliance with the Borg. Chakotay had never let her down before. He had always been by her side, no matter how hard the times had been, helping her to make the final decision, so Voyager could continue their journey home. 

Kathryn knew he respected her as his Captain. She knew he admired her boldness, her determination and sometimes even her stubbornness. As for her, she deeply valued his opinion on her and she cared about his feelings. She had realized, months ago, that she wanted him to have a good opinion of her. That’s why she had felt so hurt when he had made it clear that she wouldn’t have his support if she decided to continue with her plan.

Maybe he was right, she thought as she took the last sip of her coffee. Maybe she had been too blinded by her desire to lead her crew home as soon as possible. They had been in the Delta Quadrant for almost four years and that fact alone, was a struggle for her. Then, she tightened her hold on her cup. She felt that her responsibility toward her crew and the families they left behind was huge. Sometimes it was hard for her to even look straight in their eyes. Some days she felt even shame, although she never regretted her decision to destroy the Caretaker’s array.

It was just that… she’d do anything in order to get her crew, her people home. Anything.

“Anything?” she asked then in the void and she threw her cup on the bulkhead, getting angry with herself. It broke with a loud noise and Kathryn bit her lower lip feeling irritated.

Anything? But what would be the cost of that? The moral cost, the personal cost… Was she ready to lose everything, even herself, to get her crew home? In that case, what would the return to the Alpha Quadrant would mean to her? What would that mean to them? What would that mean to him…?

“To hell with that,” she murmured. Then, she decided that she should go back to bed and try to get some sleep. She could get maybe 4 hours of rest if she actually managed to fall asleep, but her thoughts were interrupted by the chirping of her combadge.

“Chakotay to Janeway.”

Kathryn swallowed hard and rolled her eyes in frustration. Damn, he heard me, she thought.

“Go ahead, Commander,” she replied, trying to keep her voice steady and professional.

“Kathryn? Is everything okay? I heard a noise…” Chakotay sounded wide awake and his voice, as usual, was unbearably soft.

Kathryn sighed and she tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, feeling nervous.

“Everything is okay,” she assured him, “Just sleep problems.”

She heard him sigh and then chuckle. “I see. Some nights are just bad, aren’t they?”

Kathryn couldn’t help but smile. His voice always had a way to soothe her and make her feel better just in seconds.

“Would you care for a cup of tea, Commander?” she suggested, her voice much more relaxed than before. “I hope the replicator won’t betray me once again,” she added in a dry voice.

“I’ll be there in a few minutes and… Kathryn… don’t be so hard on yourself. You do know how to replicate beverages. Chakotay out!”

Kathryn had a smile on her face as she stood in front of the mirror to comb her hair, after she had cleaned up the broken pieces of the cup. Should she change into her uniform or that was too formal for so late at night? She decided against that. She didn’t want him to think that she felt uncomfortable around him. Instead, she just wrapped her peach satin robe around her body and replicated another cup of coffee for herself. It felt ridiculous to her to hide herself from him. After all he had seen her many times in her nightgowns when they were stranded on their planet and that was less than 2 years ago. For some reason she couldn’t really explain, she never felt uncomfortable around him. He never made her feel uncomfortable.

Her thoughts were interrupted when the door of her quarters chimed. “He’s here,” she thought and felt a nervous surge in the pit of her stomach. The door slid open to her command and Chakotay stood in front of her wearing his uniform undershirt and a pair of black pants. He entered her quarters, looking slightly tense, but with a genuine smile on his face. He was happy to see her, besides the fact that they both knew they were unable to sleep because of their thoughts.

“Captain,” he greeted her quite cheerfully.

Kathryn let out a low laugh. “At ease, Commander” she said with a saucy smile.

Chakotay looked intently at her cup. “What are you drinking? Tea?” he asked in disbelief and Kathryn scoffed.

“Oh, Chakotay… you can’t be serious. Tea?! Of course not. But you won’t tell the doctor, will you?”

“I promise that your secrets are safe with me.”

Kathryn nodded, a slight smile curving her lips. One more promise – but she felt like she could handle this.

“Oh, I don’t need your promises,” she said and laughed nonchalantly, “I trust you.”

As they both realized what she had just said, silence fell between them and for a few seconds they just stared at each other, nervously. In that moment, Kathryn realized she did trust him, still – even after everything that happened between them. She only needed to look into his eyes, to listen to his voice and maybe exchange a few words with him in order to become aware of that fact. She trusted him and probably she always would.. Maybe all these thoughts… the insomnia… were only because of her fear that things would change for the worse. Two moments with him were enough for her to realize that everything felt the same between them.

It was Chakotay who broke the silence first, clearing his throat before speaking.

“I’d like to have some tea though. I am not feeling bold enough to have a cup of coffee so late at night,” he admitted and chuckled.

“Oh Chakotay,” she replied softly, “this is not about boldness, this is about passion. So, the usual for you? One sugar?”

Chakotay nodded and Kathryn headed to the replicator.

“Tea with sugar,” Kathryn repeated, “Sounds like a dessert to me,” she teased him and he laughed softly in response.

“Who can blame me? I have a sweet tooth, you know me. Maybe this is my passion. Coffee for you and much sugar for me.”

Kathryn merely nodded as she returned and handed him his cup without looking at him. She was careful to make sure that their hands didn’t touch.

“That doesn’t sound very passionate of us,” she replied dryly and he laughed, “but yes… yes. I guess I do know you after all these years. We know each other.”

Chakotay kept his eyes on her face. She seemed a little disoriented to him but it could be the lack of sleep…or the recent accident. Maybe once again she had too many thoughts for her own good.

They sat on the couch, next to each other.

“So… what happened earlier? Because I’m sure that the noise I heard had nothing to do with your insomnia.”

Kathryn laughed and pretended to be nonchalant but Chakotay could see that she felt uncomfortable with his question.

“Nothing really,” she tried to assure him and took a sip of her coffee. “I just broke a cup but it was an accident.”

Chakotay cleared his throat nervously. Her need to affirm that it was an accident made him instantaneously believe that it really wasn’t.

“Are you sure you’re alright, Kathryn?” he asked her softly.

She sighed.

“I guess I’m not feeling very well,” she admitted and stared into his eyes, seeing his concern and care.

“Are you still feeling sick?” Chakotay asked hesitantly and Kathryn shook her head.

“It’s really difficult for me to define what I’m feeling at the moment,” she tried to explain. “Chakotay,” she continued, her voice softening, “you have to understand one thing; Everything that happened… my accident, the alliance with the Borg, the fact that you didn’t….” Then, she stopped and took a deep breath, unsure of how to continue without offending him. 

“That I didn’t follow your orders,” Chakotay completed her sentence for her, looking at the floor and she merely nodded.

“Yes! Everything feels too much for me right now. I really wish I could express myself better but I can’t.”

“I understand and it makes sense you’re feeling like this. It’s… still recent…and now with a Borg on the ship…we all have to adapt to a new situation. It’ll take some time but… we’ll get there eventually.”

Kathryn’s face hardened in an instant and she stood from the couch, walking to the viewport.

“I don’t care about that, Chakotay. I don’t need your comforting. It’s not that I’m the victim here.”

Chakotay stood up as well keeping a safe distance from her.

“I never said that. What I’m probably trying to tell you… is that there’s no reason for you to be irritated because of your feelings. We’ve been close, Kathryn and I can understand why you’re feeling like this.” He sighed before continuing. “I also know I’m partly responsible for this.”

Kathryn turned slowly and stared at him. Her face was expressionless and she wasn’t sure that it was a good idea for them to have that conversation at this time.

Chakotay, as if he read her thoughts, said, “Let’s not hide from each other for once, Kathryn. We have to talk about this and you know it.”

“I think we’ve already talked about this,” she answered wryly.

Then his face hardened too.

“Was that conversation enough for you? Do you feel like everything is okay now?”

Kathryn dropped her stare at the floor.

“I didn’t say that, but is there anything more to say?”

Chakotay rubbed his temples in frustration and stepped closer to her. Kathryn didn’t back off, but she looked more nervous than before.

“I wish you’d be real with me for once,” he finally said and Kathryn laughed bitterly.

“Don’t be unfair with me now, Chakotay,” she said, almost warningly, looking up at him again, “You know there were times I was real with you.”

Chakotay nodded and a tired smile appeared on his face, but it didn’t touch his eyes.

“I know but that was a long time ago. We believed we wouldn’t see Voyager again. I feel like… that was the only time in our lives there was no command structure between us.”

“Do you really think that?” she asked him in disbelief.

Chakotay sighed.

“I think… that, aboard Voyager, you always hide your true self to some degree; not only from me, but from everyone. Even from yourself. I believe… that I got to know the real Kathryn on New Earth and I still feel grateful for it.”

Then Kathryn turned her back to him and looked at the stars through the big viewport, wrapping her arms around herself. She suddenly felt defenceless.

“What do you want from me exactly?”

He half-smiled sadly at her question. That was something that couldn't be answered easily. If he could be honest with her, he’d tell her that he wanted everything from her. He’d like to be by her side, not as her friend or first officer, but as something more. He wanted to support her dreams, to reassure her and ease her fears making sure that she’d spend her nights without nightmares or insomnia. Now wasn’t the time though and he knew it.

“I want you to be honest with me. What did you feel when you found out that I didn’t obey your orders? What are you feeling for me now? What has changed between us?”

Kathryn shrugged. “Nothing remains the same, anyway, but I think we’re fine. We’re able to work well together – as always. That’s what matters… in the end.”

Chakotay shook his head. “That doesn’t answer my question, Kathryn. You know it would be stupid of us to pretend that we’re nothing more than our command structure.”

Her face hardened. “Our most important purpose is to reach Earth.”

“We have a life aboard Voyager, Kathryn,” he exclaimed, “and you know that you’re not just my Captain.”

Kathryn fixed her eyes inquiringly upon him, feeling her cheeks burning from anticipation.

“We’re friends,” he continued then in a lower voice.

She gave him a lopsided smile and Chakotay couldn’t help but wonder if she was sarcastic towards him.

“We’re friends,” she repeated, trying to sound cheerful. She looked somehow confused.

He took a deep breath before speaking again. “Are you angry with me?”

“I’m not sure, Chakotay and that’s the worst. I mean… I guess I am sometimes. Yes, sometimes I feel angry… disappointed… even surprised… because I never thought we’d come to this… but if I come to think better of it…,” she paused then and took a deep breath as if trying to find the right words, “It’s not that I can’t understand your reasons, Chakotay,” she said then, “but that fact doesn’t make anything easier.”

He merely nodded trying to gather his thoughts. After a few moments he spoke again, his voice low but steady.

“I want you to understand one thing, Kathryn; I never questioned your leadership, your abilities or your judgement. I never even thought of doing that.” Then he paused and took a deep breath before continuing. “The fact that I didn’t follow your orders was one of the hardest decisions I ever made.”

Kathryn raised an eyebrow and looked pointedly at him over the rim of her coffee as she sipped slowly.

“Then why did you do it?”

Chakotay tugged at his ear nervously.

“That's ... that's a little hard to explain,” he confessed.

She groaned in frustration. “You know, everything would have been easier if you hadn’t made that promise.”

Chakotay stared at her in disbelief. “What promise?” he finally asked her.

“You told me we’d face the situation – together. You made me believe that I wasn’t alone, Chakotay,” she responded emphatically.

“And you weren’t alone,” he exclaimed, “You aren’t alone, Kathryn!”

Kathryn placed her cup on the table and turned to look at him, her arms crossed in front of her chest.

“Well, it didn’t feel like this. It doesn’t feel like this.”

He sighed and avoided looking directly at her. Staring anywhere else, at the floor or the stars through the large viewport, made it easier for him to focus and open up to her. 

“Kathryn, I decided to follow the way I thought was the safest for us. It wasn’t a display of superiority. I only wanted to protect you. I wanted to protect the crew and the ship. Yes, I gave you a promise when I told you that you’re not alone and I’ll never take it back, but that doesn’t mean that I’ll always follow your leadership – no matter what. I am sorry but I can’t do that, Kathryn. I’ll never leave you alone, but for me, that means that I’ll always try to do my best in order to keep you and our crew safe. That’s what I did in that case. I couldn’t follow your plan this time. I thought it was too dangerous and I told you that from the first moment. When I saw you, unconscious, in that bio-bed…I felt so bad… I wouldn’t be able to bear it if anything worse happened to you…or the crew…”

When Chakotay looked up at Kathryn again, he saw that she seemed ready to cry. Her eyes were teary and her face was red, even though she was trying to keep herself composed with great difficulty.

“Oh, Chakotay,” she whispered and wrapped her arms tightly around herself. She was shivering. Chakotay stepped closer to her, unsure of what to do next.

“How are you feeling?” he asked simply.

Kathryn shrugged her shoulders, her expression detached. She felt unable to define her feelings at the moment or explain to him what was going on in her mind. She shook her head, unsure of how to answer his question.

“Maybe…maybe it’s better to leave me alone for a while…”

“I’m not going to leave you, Kathryn – not this time, not again. I left when we had that disagreement in the Ready Room and I still regret it. I should have stayed. We should have talked it over. So, don’t ask me to do it again,” he muttered.

Kathryn snorted, looking slightly better.

“This is not going to work, Chakotay. I can hardly express myself when…”

“When?” he prompted her.

“When it comes to you,” she admitted and let out a sigh.

“I am so sorry for what happened.”

Kathryn nodded, acknowledging his apology.

“You’re right. You should have stayed that day.” Then, she hid her face in her hands for a few seconds, as if struggling to control her emotions. When she looked up at him again, she seemed bewildered but calmer.

“Many times I wished things were different.”

Chakotay looked confused for a moment. “How?”

Kathryn raised her eyebrows. “You want me to be honest with you, don’t you?” she asked him dryly. “I really wish things were different,” she repeated, “I mean… for us…”

Chakotay stepped closer to her, trying to respect her boundaries and careful to not touch her.

“I understand what you mean but there’s no perfect time for anything, Kathryn.”

She smiled thoughtfully.

“I know that, but if there was…things would be much easier.”

He was staring at her trying to compose his thoughts when she spoke again.

“Are we really just friends, Chakotay?” she asked him in a low voice.

He laughed bitterly at her question and Kathryn could sense that there were many repressed feelings behind that laugh: anger, longing, frustration and even hope.

“You never wanted us to be anything more, Kathryn. Why are you even asking me this?” he replied, pretending to be more nonchalant than he actually was.

“I never tried for us to be anything more and that’s different. Chakotay, if the circumstances…”

“Are you going to give me another excuse, Kathryn?” he interrupted her, “Because I want to be honest with you and I’m really tired of them.”

Kathryn sighed. “Chakotay, I promise you… if the circumstances were different, I’d be with you.”

Chakotay chuckled.

“Did you just give me a promise?” he asked incredulously and Kathryn snorted, shaking her head.

“It must be contagious,” she joked.

Soon their faces sobered and it was suddenly difficult for them to look into each other’s eyes.

“The circumstances are never right, Kathryn. We can’t blame them for anything bad that happens to us or when things don’t work the way we want them to work.” Then he took a deep breath. “All we have is this moment,”he continued intensely, “We won’t be home anytime soon and the Delta Quadrant is a very dangerous place. We never know what the next day holds for us.”

Kathryn raised an eyebrow.

“What are you trying to tell me?”

“I’m trying to tell you that I don’t care about the circumstances. I am just…really glad we met each other, even under these circumstances. I’m trying to tell you that I wouldn’t change a thing and…serving under you is a really fulfilling experience. I’m trying to tell you that being your friend is a great honour for me.” Then, he sighed. “I guess… I’m trying to tell you what I’ve been trying to tell you since we were on New Earth.”

Kathryn’s eyes got teary again.

“Are you going to tell me another ancient legend?” she asked him, trying to lighten the mood.

He laughed softly. “Not this time,” he answered in a low voice. “I love you, Kathryn. I guess that’s it,” he said and shrugged.

Kathryn stared at him bewildered and maybe a little awed.

“What am I supposed to answer now?” she asked in a broken voice and feeling obviously uncomfortable.

“You don’t have to say anything if you don’t want to,” he said softly and smiled tenderly at her.

“I’ve never been good with words when it comes to my feelings.”

He chuckled and then they both stayed silent for a few minutes, just staring into each other’s eyes. Then, Kathryn took a step closer to him. She lifted a hand and stroked his cheek tenderly. She smiled and he closed his eyes for a moment letting out a breath.

“I’ve been wanting to touch you like this for years,” she whispered.

“Kathryn…” he started but she silenced him with a finger over his lips.

“Words are not always necessary, Chakotay,” she said and brushed her lips on his. Chakotay took a step back and they looked at each other, almost shyly.

“I love you too,” she said simply.

Chakotay smiled and brought her closer to him. He hugged her around her waist and Kathryn slid her hands up his chest wrapping her arms around his neck. She looked up at his dark eyes and with a smile still tugging at her lips. He was the one who kissed her this time without a word and their kiss deepened soon. Chakotay chuckled when he heard the way her breath caught and broke their kiss. He stroked her hair from her face.

“What is going to happen next?” he wondered with a lopsided smile on his face.

Kathryn sighed and her face fell a little, looking thoughtful.

“Chakotay… I can’t promise you anything at the moment. You know… that our crew and our purpose to reach the Alpha Quadrant must come first. I can promise you though… that my love is real. I really love you, Chakotay and I haven’t felt like this... in years…” she said and bit her lower lip nervously.

Chakotay nodded, a slight smile curving his lips.

“I know and I understand. I believe in us, Kathryn and I’m going to wait for you. I’m going to wait until the circumstances are perfect for you and I need you to know this.”

Kathryn looked nervous. “I’m not sure it’s fair for you to…”

Chakotay interrupted her. “I believe in us,” he repeated, “We love each other. I’m not going anywhere.”

Kathryn chuckled. “Do you promise?”

Chakotay laughed heartily and he kissed her again, tenderly. “I promise.”

Then Kathryn swallowed hard as she looked up at him.

“Would you… like to stay here tonight? We still have three hours till we need to get ready for our shift…’’ she suggested in a hesitant voice.

Chakotay merely nodded.

“I’ll stay.”


End file.
